Ennui

i roll away the stone and i look inside

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Posted by: karos Original: 4/15/2009 10:00 PM Views: 35 Comments: 8 eProps: 16 Read Comments Post a Comment Back to Your Xanga Site

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2 eProps from: Mallaidh becuziluvblue KameraSutra RizzlGrizzl paulereubens Smarticus DrTiff crunchy

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

You know when you do something like, really-really big, and then your brain turns into asphalt ice cream? Licorice nibs and marshmallow fluff?

It's like that.

Plus, it's like I've got a fishhook in my left asscheek reeling me back, every night, so that I live in that moment, in those eyes, and in the crosshatch creases whispering across his cheekbones. The timbre of his voice resonates against my throat, vibrates in my ears. The whole person I imagined in so many ways in conjured moments from plebeian to passionate, palpable beside me. Weird, weird. And weird. And staggering.

Did I really do that? Was I really there beside him? Did those green eyes really fixate on the limpid aqua of my own, in all manner of ocular sexxin'? (What. Yeah whatever, I'm overboard here.)

And then in the morning I am pulled forward by the scruff of my neck into all the shit that doesn't matter to me right now, but I do it. I write every damn lead, body, 30-and-file-it. I fold the laundry in a haze and I boil the kettle until it's vapours. I pitch forward into what has to be done.

And then later in the quiet and alone, I am hooked and reeled and my skin grows numb and alive, numb and alive, to the repeated playing back and forth of images of that big-big moment.

And soon, I will have to grab the reel detach the fishhook and let the line play out so that I can unravel it and roll it back all snag-free and sensical.

I will do that.

Soon.

Posted 4/15/2009 10:00 PM - 35 Views - 16 eProps - 8 comments

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8 Comments

I don't see how you could possibly not feel that way. Knowing the long, long history of feelings you have for him, there is going to be that melty sensation whenever you think of being soclose. He almost literally signed his name across your heart, didn't he? I wouldn't be too worried about removing the hook right away. Savor it as long as possible, baby. x

Posted 4/16/2009 2:29 AM by Mallaidh

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You DID!

(It is wrong of me to say that I am happy for you? Heh.) I've known those feelings before -- being torn between the extraordinary and the mundane -- and not being able to really share it. It's a wonder I didn't explode, or lose all grip on reality.

Enjoy your "moments".

Posted 4/16/2009 8:50 AM by KameraSutra

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i want to say something here, but can't. i understand, and am here, should you need to toss a few words around.

Posted 4/16/2009 8:58 AM by RizzlGrizzl - reply

Isthis related to Fabio??

Posted 4/16/2009 1:14 PM by paulereubens

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@paulereubens -

Isn't everything?

Posted 4/16/2009 1:20 PM by karos

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hey! unlike a lot of your readers i am not getting the backstory. but i am not really sure you should wait too long, OK? you've been struggling and struggling and i think it's good for you to do something FOR YOU.

Posted 4/16/2009 4:24 PM by Smarticus

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You know, I felt like this for several weeks (ok, still) after returning from Concord last summer. I don't have the answer, though, except that you have *next* time to look forward to and get you through?! ;)

Posted 4/17/2009 8:38 AM by DrTiff

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