Sadness always pops the lid

i roll away the stone and i look inside

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Posted by: karos Original: 4/22/2009 9:55 PM Views: 19 Comments: 5 eProps: 12 Read Comments Post a Comment Back to Your Xanga Site

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sadness always pops the lid

apparent

I am not interested in
I’m sorry
It’s always too late
after I have hung hooked and twisting
on the questions and the wondering
just what the fuck
is going through your head
conjuring and rejecting theories
grinding myself into hamburger
while you selfishly self-preserve
ensconced in your tower where
the air is too thin for empathy

Do you think of me at all
as the acid of your pointed neglect
your withdrawal of self
eats me alive
soaking holes through the dreamscape
picture of the future I had so many
years ago?
It is burned and melted
like film stuck in the projector gate

I think you don’t think of me
I prefer to think you don’t
Because if you did
it would be worse
it would be perpetration

But I think you don’t because
I have hung without your explanations
your answers, your truths
for hours, for days, for weeks, for months
do you remember the months
of lies I endured
as I twisted on the moorings
as I was being lied to?

Would you really do that to me intentionally
if you had any idea of how it felt?

Do you think of the years you’ve let go by
as the lion’s share of the same lie
the part you wouldn’t own up to
flew twittering, rabid and batlike in my face
when the revelations from others
unhinged it all
and truths were so transparent
even as your denial tried to shutter them
and with that one I just got used to the hook
and gave up the fight
as it drowned me
as I drowned myself

Shall we speak of the truth?
Your line is over yonder away from mine
It is blurry and ill defined, sham and treachery
that you believe with all your mind
if you just speak it with enough conviction

I have my secrets too but they (almost)
always find a way out and I confess
and I admit and I refute and I apologize
and I improve and I try harder
work and aspire and never am I
good enough
(not for anybody)

I give you over most of everything I am
even when it’s ugly or wrong or damaging
But I think now, I will not spill myself
and maybe I will make some (more) secrets just for me
so that I have something left
when you leave me on hold
and hang me out to dry
something left to do but fall apart
and cry for the things that I was sold
cry for the dearth of them

This life has pulled me out of shape
the reveries of the past now gone Dali
I am not interested in your pretend penitence
I will not sail on again, deking around the jaggedness of circumstance
as though it did not tear open my hull and make me founder
Go ahead blithely, dismissive
you’ve heard it before
I cannot take this
any
more

kd.

Posted 4/22/2009 9:55 PM - 19 Views - 12 eProps - 5 comments